Ode to my House

Summer seems to have ended, marked by 4 days of cold rain. Dunedin houses are not well built and most are uninsulated, making for a chilly, damp house. Here is an ode to our own house...

Oh House!

My cold, cold house!
You welcome in the Arctic winds
With paper-thin plywood walls and no insulation
Doors with breezy gaps and windows that rattle
A house with one heat source that only warms the living room
leaving the bedrooms freezing

My ridiculous, impractical house!
Without a vent for a clothes dryer
or an electrical outlet in the bathroom
With a stovetop positioned in a corner that requires advanced yoga to use
A house that once locked from the inside, can only be unlocked with keys
making a quick escape impossible

My cheap, unattractive house!
With textured wallpaper in appalling colors
Curtains from unwanted fabric in the remnant pile
Gaps and uneven lines in the woodwork
A house with shoddy cabinets, plastic counter tops, unsecured faucets and mismatching carpet

Oh House!

An incompetent contractor built you
without using levels, T-squares, or chalk lines
He was not aware that kitchen cabinets and refrigerator doors need to fully open
in order to function properly
An incompetent contractor who forgot to put the bathroom doors back on their hinges
Who left behind pipes that drip, wood scraps in the backyard
and carpet tacks sticking up through the carpet for bare feet to find

Oh dreadful House!
I see your mates all over Dunedin

Screw the Cork

FYI: 90% of New Zealand wines and most Australian wines have screw tops. If you bring a bottle of wine with a cork to a dinner party here, but sure to bring your own corkscrew too, 'cause some kitchens don't have them!

Chinese Democracy in New Zealand?

Yes, Chinese Democracy is alive and well in New Zealand, in the form of the latest album from Guns n’ Roses, that is!

Remember Guns n’ Roses, those long-haired, bandanna-wearing rockers who welcomed you to the jungle back in 1987…? Well, Axel Rose has certainly found an enthusiastic and dedicated audience in Kiwis. In fact, from what I’ve heard, Guns n’ Roses appear to be an institution in New Zealand. The airwaves are crammed with songs from Chinese Democracy, and on any given Friday night, pubs are wallpapered with Axle’s voice screeching out Sweet Child Of Mine.

Now I like Guns n’ Roses every once in awhile, but it still strikes me as odd that out of all the great American rock bands, Guns n’ Roses would be so incredibly popular here in New Zealand. It’s almost as bizarre as David Hasselhoff’s über popularity in Germany. Almost.

Black Paua!

Paua (pronounced pow-a) is Maori for abalone and the black paua is the most abundant here in New Zealand. The black paua was a staple in the Maori diet and the shell was prized as a treasure. Today you can often find paua shells washed up on the beach and carved paua jewelry is very popular tourist souvenir.

I grew up eating abalone, thanks to my dad and uncles, and I absolutely love it, so I am excited to catch, er, pry some off the rocks at some point. In our area the legal limit is 10 paua per person, per day and they must be at least 5 inches long.

If you’ve never had abalone, you are missing out. Abalone is like nothing you’ve ever tasted! When cooking it, I prefer to thinly slice it, dredge it in some egg and herbed breadcrumbs, and then lightly pan fry it in butter and olive oil. BBQ abalone is delicious, especially dipped in garlic-herb butter, and abalone chowder is amazing too. Next time you have the opportunity to eat fresh abalone (don’t even think about that canned crap), go for it!

Red Red WIne

OK, lets talk about New Zealand wine (finally). Everyone knows that New Zealand makes excellent Sauvignon Blancs and Chardonnays. Go to your local supermarket in the States and you’ll see heaps of these Kiwi wines on the shelves. Personally, I’m not much of a white wine drinker and I absolutely loathe buttery-oaky Chardonnay. But I do like the sweeter whites and there are some delicious Rieslings, Gewürztraminers, and late harvest wines here. I plan on drinking lots of them, of course.

I can’t really say the same for New Zealand reds, yet. Pinot Noir is made and celebrated around the South Island, but so far I haven’t found any that I like. The Pinots I’ve had have been really dry and minerally. This is probably due to the fact that I can’t afford the good Pinots….

I tend to favor big reds, like juicy Zinfandels, smoky Merlots, and bold Cabernets. However, Zinfandel is a California thing and the reds I buy here are from Australia. With a warmer climate, Australian reds tend to be very similar to California reds. I did find a Ravenswood Zinfandel in a wine merchant shop here in Dunedin. Of course I didn’t buy it, it was triple the price you would pay in the U.S. and I’m trying to expand my wine horizons while I’m here.

Although, choosing a wine from the crowded shelves at the market can be a bit overwhelming. There are so many wines from New Zealand and Australia and I don’t recognize any of them! Actually, that’s not true. I know Yellow Tail quite well, and yes, I have bought it here in a state of petrifying panic at having to quickly choose a bottle from so many unfamiliar and unheard of wineries. But this only happens if my partner is shopping with me……

In the face of such adversity, I have adopted a system of choosing a bottle according to its label (after the price of course). Kiwis and Aussies are not stuffy or pretentious about their label art and there are some cool labels to be found here! So far my method has met with reasonable success. I am hoping to get out to some wineries in the next month for tastings so I can find some truly great New Zealand wines.

The Kakapo: World’s Horniest Bird

The Kakapo is a flightless, nocturnal parrot with whiskers that can only be found on two remote and predator-free islands off of the South Island. And if this bird doesn’t sound strange enough, the Kakapo has an even more bizarre mating ritual. After spending days cleaning and building a bowl-like stage on the forest floor, the male Kakapo calls for a female by booming, which is a low frequency sort of growl produced by inflating a thoracic sac. The boom travels for miles through the forest and males have been known to boom for 8 hours a night! He also produces a few chirps and squeals, hoping to attract a mate to his carefully crafted love-nest.

The Kakapo was hunted to near extinction for food and feathers by the Maori and white settlers and was extremely vulnerable to introduced predators. Today, the Department of Conservation is doing its best to breed these rare birds in the Kakapo Recovery Program. But there is one small problem: There are only 90 known Kakapo in existence, making reproduction a bit difficult. In fact, male Kakapo get so desperate for a mate that they have been known to “attack” humans in an attempt to mate with something, anything!

As part of the breeding program, DOC created mechanical female Kakapo in the hopes that the males would “mate” with it and deposit sperm so that real Kakapo females could be artificially inseminated. So far, male Kakapo haven’t been desperate enough to “take advantage” of the remote-control birds. But give them a few more years….those mechanical females might start looking better and better!

Just Bulldoze and Start Over!

Compared to the insanely expensive California real estate market, homes are cheap around the South Island, especially here in Dunedin. There are many factors that contribute to the housing market: the weak economy, the overall low cost of living in New Zealand, the surplus of empty homes on the market, the low-quality of construction….Of course there are some very up-market homes too, especially new houses in Queenstown, but they are generally few and far between.

What ever the reason for inexpensive real estate, its astounding to look through the property paper delivered to our home each week. $150,000 US can get you a 3 bedroom, 1 bathroom home with a 2-car garage, “rumpus” room, and incredible views, often of the ocean. Imagine the cost of that in California!

Unfortunately, many of the homes are very old and need (a lot of) work. Many ads include the words: DIY, Has Potential, Renovate, Needs Work, Rebuild, and TLC. And yes, I've even seen “ready to renovate or just bulldoze and start over.” Seems like owners just let homes go here.

I especially love the tag lines that Realtors use for each house. They must put a lot of work into creating these.

Here are some gems I found last week:

Vendor Wants Action
Renovator’s Delight
Watch the World Go By
Gilt Edged Investment
Potential Plus
Oozes Character
You Can Be Happy Here
Calling All Handymen
Honey, Stop the Car
Restore, Restore, Restore
Good Bones, Great Potential
Warm As
Bachelors/Bachelorettes: Come and Get It

And my personal favorite….

As Scarce as Hen’s Teeth